我好累。。。
to many people, i am always the siao char bo. one without any image. one who will do the silliest thing on earth. i am always the joker to many people. people laughed at me. people laughed at my jokes.
however... am i really happy? am i really such a joker in life?
the answer is no. i am just trying to make people around me laugh and be happy cuz i don't know what makes me happy. as much as i like to 搞笑, i know deep in me, i am not such person.
has meishan changed? materialistic? happening?
in the past, everyone knows that i am the most faithful girlfriend around. i will give my best and my everything to my boyfriend.
the truth is that after a fucking 10 years, i am still stuck in the shadow of my first relationship. is not that i haven't let go of him cuz i know i have but it is just the phobia, the way i just can't put in my everything in any relationships/ dates i have.
i know i have changed. yes, i am no longer the very pure girl you all know. not the nice girl anymore. how sad? but what caused the change? why did it happen? i am definitely not a slut or a bitch and still not near there now. but, i have changed.
seeing people ard failing their relationships, seeing married couple divorcing one after another, seeing many years of marriage coming to an end, seeing betrayals after betrayals, seeing promises broken after another. tell me! how to trust anyone anymore.
5 years have passed after my first relationship and i still don't know what went wrong. he cried and apologised and regretted but what's the point? 5 months have passed since my second relationship, and till now i still ponder over the reason for the breakup! seriously, what have i did wrongly? i know in relationships there are no rights and wrongs, but i can't help thinking about it.
i am lost in this path. i can't seem to trust guys anymore. i was the most faithful girl but in the end, what have i learnt? the best girl don't get the best guy.
should i even continue being nice? are people still thinking of me as what they used to?
you all know, that is meishan. when thing goes wrong, i will only blame myself but no one else.
tired, tired, tired.
i have so much to say and so much to tell. but who can eventually understand me?
maybe it is only you, my dear blog.
to many people, i am always the siao char bo. one without any image. one who will do the silliest thing on earth. i am always the joker to many people. people laughed at me. people laughed at my jokes.
however... am i really happy? am i really such a joker in life?
the answer is no. i am just trying to make people around me laugh and be happy cuz i don't know what makes me happy. as much as i like to 搞笑, i know deep in me, i am not such person.
has meishan changed? materialistic? happening?
in the past, everyone knows that i am the most faithful girlfriend around. i will give my best and my everything to my boyfriend.
the truth is that after a fucking 10 years, i am still stuck in the shadow of my first relationship. is not that i haven't let go of him cuz i know i have but it is just the phobia, the way i just can't put in my everything in any relationships/ dates i have.
i know i have changed. yes, i am no longer the very pure girl you all know. not the nice girl anymore. how sad? but what caused the change? why did it happen? i am definitely not a slut or a bitch and still not near there now. but, i have changed.
seeing people ard failing their relationships, seeing married couple divorcing one after another, seeing many years of marriage coming to an end, seeing betrayals after betrayals, seeing promises broken after another. tell me! how to trust anyone anymore.
5 years have passed after my first relationship and i still don't know what went wrong. he cried and apologised and regretted but what's the point? 5 months have passed since my second relationship, and till now i still ponder over the reason for the breakup! seriously, what have i did wrongly? i know in relationships there are no rights and wrongs, but i can't help thinking about it.
i am lost in this path. i can't seem to trust guys anymore. i was the most faithful girl but in the end, what have i learnt? the best girl don't get the best guy.
should i even continue being nice? are people still thinking of me as what they used to?
you all know, that is meishan. when thing goes wrong, i will only blame myself but no one else.
tired, tired, tired.
i have so much to say and so much to tell. but who can eventually understand me?
maybe it is only you, my dear blog.
posted by mEishAn at 1:46 PM
1 Comments:
shan, life isn't always fair, the effort you put in does not necessarily entail a return, be it work or relationships. But don't ever try to change who you are to get back at life. Stay true to yourself. You may have steered your directions, but it's about taking what's lost and looking forward to find it again.
- Passerby
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